Sins and Absolution

2 Oct

I am a prostitute. I have sex with men but instead of hearts exchanging love, we have hands exchanging money. I think it’s a pretty straightforward profession. The job is challenging but it has its rewards. Although there are days when you don’t want to get up to go to work, but I think that is a feature of most, if not all, jobs.

It all started when you broke my ego. The truth was that I wanted to give you my heart. I was ready to fall in love with you. But you weren’t ready for my love at all. So instead of doing something stupid such as going for another guy and hoping that he will fall in love with me, I decided to play sex smart.

There is a difference between being a victim of the crime or being the perpetrator of the crime. Assuming that all crimes are well-worth the effort, you can clearly choose to get the best out of the situation by being the perpetrator rather than the victim. Granted that victims will not be going into jail but seriously, if you knew it was a crime, you have got to be willing to give the time–whether it is spent in planning, its execution or your incarceration. Only the pussies cry when they are brought into jail. They were the ones who have what they call “regrets” or that they were too stupid to see so far ahead of what they’ve done. As for me, if I were to be led to the slammer, I’d get into it with my head held high. After all, I was working in a good profession and I very well knew that I was good at it!

So it was the 29th of December when I picked up my first customer. I had just left my friends, tipsy from our latest bout of drinking. I was smoking my cigarette and walking none too steadily. I took a particularly deep drag and to savor it, I stopped walking. Interestingly enough, I was right beside a huge sign that said, “TONIGHT: Lady Boxing and Midget Sumo Wrestling”. It was interesting and I laughed out loud to myself. Then I decided to wait at that spot for a taxicab to take me home.

A car stopped in front of me and the window rolled down in front of me. I wasn’t looking into it and I even stepped aside. My soaked up brain thought that he must want to read the sign I was blocking. Then the driver called out, “Wait!” That was when I knew that I had to make a choice. I didn’t have any intention of being a prostitute that night but when it was right in front of me, I knew that there was nothing to it. I knew that it was an honest mistake. I had walked into the red light district. I had regular party clothes on. I was smoking on the sidewalk and the place I stopped in front of was not the most sedate place in the area. I couldn’t resist the opportunity. I laughed aloud and said to myself, “What the hell?” I smiled at that driver and gave him a sassy wink, “Are you sure you want to play this game?” I knew that that wasn’t a particularly sophisticated thing to say. I knew now that I should have haggled my price then and there, but the truth is, I didn’t even care if I got paid. I would have gone home with any John tonight–the payment would have been just an added bonus.

I got inside the car. It didn’t smell clean and I knew that he was drunk. More drunk than me. He was about late 50’s but then again, all old men looked much older to my mind.

Dreams – Intimacy

31 Dec

I was just thinking of you.

You were always this tall man in my memories. There would always be blinding light coming from behind you. In my eyes, you looked like a super fantastical being with powers to make the impossible happen.

Until I stopped believing that.

I don’t know how it started. I don’t really know why I did it. All I knew was that you were no longer a man I could look up to. In fact, I couldn’t look you in the eyes anymore. When you would come near, my skin would crawl. Don’t think that I hated you. That’s not true. I just didn’t want you around anymore. If it was possible, I would not want to see you around anymore.

You are my father.

And that should have been enough.

Rude Awakenings: The Hunter and the Hunted

20 Aug

Honestly, I was prepared to dislike you the moment you walked towards me. I didn’t know that that momentous encounter would change my fate forever. It’s crazy, I know but I cannot help but tell you that I am now obsessed.

I don’t know if it started with how I immediately disliked you. I hated your unkempt self. I hated how you seemed to lack any grooming skills. You were clean-smelling but that was not enticing at all. You were simply someone who won’t be able to hold my interest for very long.

Unfortunately, I had already paid for you and decided to give you a try. You could never satisfy me that night. And as you cried on my lap, I couldn’t help but be moved by your tears. “It’s not your fault!” I said, trying to console you. Yet you still cried your silent tears despite my best efforts. When you looked up at me with your dewy brown eyes, I saw to the depths of your soul. Then I began to be awed at the tears that looked like sparkling diamonds on your long lashes. Or the freckles that glistened all along your tear tracks. Or the quivering lips that, even if pursed together, still remained so soft and kissable.

When I first saw your face, I didn’t know that it would lead me to this. Months after that first encounter, here I am following your tracks. Sniffing out your scent. Staking out your habitat. Learning your habits. I have done all that and yet it is still not enough. I thirst for your company and so I seek you. Time and time again. Always on the lookout for any glimpse of you.

Today, I refused to follow you around. Today, I did not listen to my urges. Today, I decided to free you. It is the nature of the hunter to kill his prey. I did not want to kill this obsession of you by satisfying it to the fullest.

Then at a different bar. Across a different dance floor, I felt your presence. Then I saw your piercing stare. I decided to turn tail and run. Run away from you and my obsession. You. My obsession. This happened several different times at different places with different people. I was always caught unawares by your stare. You were haunting me. I was being hunted.

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It is interesting how my writings surprise me. Truth is, this story was inspired by a burger that I ate for lunch yesterday. I hated it when I saw it because the price was SO exhorbitant, being a little over about US$3 (and that is JUST for the burger, no drink). To make it worse, it had a side serving of the ugliest and greasiest fries in existence. Then it was topped off by the banana-ketchup-and-mayonnaise nightmare that I just hate but most of my friends love it. Basically, I don’t like mayonnaise and I just wish that they didn’t assume that I would even touch that atrocious sauce by pouring a generous amount over the greasy fries. I think I ate about five pieces, with the sauce crap. I really hated the fries, but the burger! Oh that burger… Oh that BURGER! It was simply ORGASMIC. Which really surprised me! I love a pleasant surprise. I thought, okay for this surprising delicious burger, that was worth it.

Then a story started forming in my head. Now, I can’t believe the other story (nonfiction this time) that this piece had reminded me of. I am not particularly proud of the memories or the experience but I guess, if you’ve done something in life, it will come out. One way or another, the secrets will be revealed. Although I didn’t reveal much here–I think that I revealed a lot more to the memory than I was every willing to remember.

Rude Awakenings: The Lover and the Loved

7 Aug

I remember when I first saw you. Our eyes met across a smoky bar room. There was barely enough space to move and people like it that way. It gave a socially accepted excuse for everyone to rub bodies against one another in public, no matter how suggestive the motions are. The deafening beats of the music taught my body how to move in a dance of seduction. I was dancing with a different partner then but my eyes were watching you and you were doing the same. Finally, I turned my gaze away. I knew that you were hooked and all I had to do was reel you in.

My partner grabbed my waist and I gave a sharp bark of laughter. I knew that my full-bodied sound of glee reached your curious ears. I turned my gaze to your lifeless dance partner and felt smug about my impending victory. So I told my dance partner that I wanted to go back to the table and grab a drink.

Without looking, I knew that you followed me with your eyes. Smiling to myself, I sat at the empty booth and you were beside me in a second. You looked like you didn’t know what to do to me. We were just staring at each other and I fell in love with your nervousness. I took one of your hands into mine and you immediately engulfed it with both of yours. I laid my other hand onto your cheek and leaned in for a kiss. Your lips quivered against mine and I loved you even more. Your hands began to sweat, I knew that you were nervous. I freed my hand and clasped your face and gave you a deep kiss.

It was a swift whirlwind of notions, motion and commotion that brought us to your dark room. We were kissing against your door while eagerly tearing off our clothes. I think you tore my blouse but that is to be expected. Your furtive motions bespoke of your eagerness and your inexperience. I knew I loved you.

Suddenly, bare flesh was touching bare flesh. My warm palm touched your clammy belly. We moved onto the bed and you were less nervous then. I held you tightly as I loved you. Your body was shaking because you were trying to keep in control. Your tremors that caused rippling sensations in my body took me to ecstasy. Then we were both replete.

I closed my eyes and relished the remaining traces of pleasure in my body. Then you whispered, “I love you.”

I waited for you to reach the darkest slumber before I got up. I put on my clothes and left your house without looking back.

Rude Awakenings: The Ruler and the Ruled

6 Aug

This is his kingdom. Looking out into the window, he watches over it like a father watches over the first few steps of his infant son.

He fondles his black radio, listening in on the conversations of the guards, hearing of conflict arising. He waits and smiles as he hears them floundering, panicking. Triumphantly, he presses the button, speaksinto the mic. Relishing the power surging from his heart to his throat, he gives the order to silence these problems.

Minute after minute they call. Each call an additional electrifying surge of accomplishment and power. Their desperate voices pleading was his music.

Day after day, he watches over his kingdom. As each week, month, year wore on, he started to feel differently about each desperate call. Soon his dreams start to be dominated by that black radio, constantly calling his attention. In his most erotic dream, he imagines himself strongly stomping that black radio to smithereens. In the end, each of those thousand pieces would reflect his victorious face but as he crouches down to look straight into his own eyes, his slumber was abruptly interrupted by the mocking cackle of the radio.

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While I was in a one-on-one meeting with a client, I suddenly felt the urge to scribble this down. So instead of taking down the notes of the meeting, I wrote this short story.

Diseased

29 Jul

Water rained on me
Cold fingers, uncertain death
Sore throat, fevered chills

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And so my mother offered me a jar of cookies, a bottle of water and two tablets of medicine. I also lost control of my bladder. I must be really sick!

A play on HOPE

18 Jul

Hope is just one word
Yet it means the world for some
In varied degrees

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Honestly, I am frustrated about this concept of “hope” and the different ways it can be said. I’m currently reflecting on the paper that I will be presenting on Wednesday next week. There are just so many things lost in translation. The nuances which are important can be easily lost in the tide of a foreign language.

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